Various ramblings from the end of the island | gdgtgrl's Blog

Temagami is the place where my year begins, much like New Years eve - without the huge party. my annual retreat is where I prepare for year ahead. Most importantly, I reflect on the year past. This year has brought the most profound changes in me , in the inner me and the outer. Outwardly I sport a short haircut and tattoo - a symbol of my newfound boldness and a job necessity. I have a great job and a promising future. I have this confidence I've never had before, the ability to say screw you, and do what is right for me - like have weight loss surgery. I'm finally taking just little. I'm saying NO to those who try to walk all over me. I'm not accepting the status quo anymore.

I'm petrified though. The more I find my self, the less I am satisfied with my marriage. He is doing all he's prepared to do, all he's comfortable with. But it's not nearly enough for me becausse he doesn't care about me - doesn't see the changes and wouldn't care if he did. So what does this mean? It seems like my path is set before me. That is what petrifies me - what if I leave him and never find the elusive eros?

5/8/08

WELCOME HOME GDGTGRL

Whenever I log on to EP, it always says "welcome home gdgtgrl". - ep is this comfortable place that is a lot like home, where friends are always there and there is always a hug waiting - albeit virtual.

Can I place welcome you home? I don't know - but that same feeling washed over me as I rode across in our boat a few days ago. That same feeling, comfort, peace, refuge are all here. My favorite rock on the end of the island was ready for my mediations, the deck just wanting someone to sit and enjoy a cup of tea, or wine. The lake itself rippling, just waiting for my inurgaral skinny dip. The loons called their welcome, the gulls flew overhead, and all was as it should be - I was home & everything around me shouted "welcome home gdgtgrl"

9/8/08- A TEMAGAMI STATE OF MIND.

Temagami is much more than a place. Temagami is a geographical location, but more importantly, it's a state of mind. It's that place in your mind where there is peace, total peace. That one moment in time that everything is right with the world. When the most important decision is what to have for dinner and the only call is the loon calling from the lake. Where the most activity is an afternoon swim and a nap because ... You can. Temagami is ... Peace.

14/8/08 BRINGING HOME TEMAGAMI-LIFE CAN'T BE FORCED

One of the books I've read up here this year is 3 cups of tea. It is an amazing book, but what inspired me the most is not Greg Mortensen's story but one thing he said when he was with one of the villlage elders. Take time to have 3 cups of tea with someone. Build a relationship with the person you are working with, learn about them, become friends.

Family even. When you are part of someone's family, you have a very different and personal relationship with them than if you were simply doing business with them. As he said, after 3 cups of tea, when someone is family they would do anything for you.

Another important point,don't force your way on others. After building one school, his benefactor encouraged Mortensen to build more. This meant developing contacts. Mortensen started by going to areas that interested him, and promptly got himself kidnapped. After a talk with his mentor, who said that he should allow local poeple to find areas with land to give away for schools, Mortensen realized that he was going about it all wrong. He attempted to do something good for others, but rushed in without really knowing his people. The more I think of it, the more I realize that we are the same way when we do this with our "ministries" and attempts to help others as well. As a support worker, I often get the opportunity to find interesting things for the people I support to do, the same with my daughter. I charge in and sometimes impose my ideas without really looking at what the person I am supporting wants, Sometimes all we need to do is ask - what is it you want to do. Where do you want to go. Although we may not immediately understand how everyone communicates, everyone does in some way. If we spend time with someone, have tea, get to know them, and discover what they want, we can go forward with what they truly want - and in the end, I suspect that as with Greg Mortensen, our efforts will run more smoothly & instead of one, three schools will be built.

WHAT I'M TAKING HOME

- reading in bed c b

- if I can do one thing every morning, i would meditate

- unexpl excite,on last day-fear of bad

- a temagami state of mind, it doesn't force things, it lets things happen, makes plans, but changes them as necessary without worry or anger

- undisputed evidence that things in my marriage are in the worst state ever and I have the courage to stand up to him for the first time, to not worry about what happens

- my relationship with my creator is changing, becoming more intellectual and more confident as well. I'm not willling to follow the status quo

- I am in the best state ever personally though, more confident, happy, ready to walk into the future

- I'm scared though about today, I woke up with this unprecidented sense of excitement, the last time this happened, Brit had a stroke. Not this time God please. This time let me go forward, let me FLY