I'm really sorry - it's gonna be like this for a bit | gdgtgrl's Blog

I think I'm under it again. The lonliness, fear of never falling in love again, frustration at the slow progress of things.  I came home from the lawyer's office today and did the one thing I didn't want to do - I cried.  I cried out to God for a shoulder, a hug, something to hold on to now that there is no one to.  It's not like there ever was, I stopped giving him the privilage of seeing me vunerable a long time ago.  He got angry because I asked for a lump sum payment to keep me going until B's disability $ comes in.  For the first time in 20 years, we fought - I got angry, I let everything out. My desperate need for space to myself, my anger at having to constantly ask for space in my own home, my thought that I am 4th on a list of priorities (after his job, his father, and his daughter in that order).  He didn't say anything in defense or apology.  He knew.  He said that he gave me everything - everything that would fit in his comfort zone that is. 

I've been reading a  blog of a friend who is in pretty much the same boat as me right now, albeit she's in the US.  I echo everything she says.  I want my friends to talk to me (some have left), I want just get out (my lawyer says to stay until the agreement is finalized), I want arms to hold me, lips to kiss me and someone I don't have to hide my real self from.  I wonder if hope is out there...if I really can go on.  Tonight I just don't want to.  Tonight, it hurts.  Tonight, I just want to disappear.