gdgtgrl's Blog

I've been reading a blog in Christianity Today & decided this I gotta do.  40 days no LJ, no EP, no facebook.  Why? because it's a good thing to do.  Yes I know the idea of giving something up for lent may be dumb for those people who aren't Catholic.  I was Catholic for a long time, and the idea of "giving something up" is good.  Not that it even comes close to Jesus sacrifice for me - but it's good.

Cya in 40!

blog.christianitytoday.com/outofur/archives/2009/02/the_social_netw.html

I'm sitting her in my kitchen (my own kitchen) on a -22 Canadian morning.  Dylan (the puppy) is happily chasing his tennis ball around the living room, and listening to the CBC (our version of NPR) & finally having a minute to relax again.  Life has been suprisingly hectic since the separation.  First moving, then Dylan, then Christmas has made life busy.  I'm settled now - I finally have shelves and curtains up (thanks to a handyman I paid) and working less since I picked up 2 more courses. (I'll talk about father hotness later).

Everyone in my family seems to want to keep my weekends busy though! Every time I turn around, my mom wants me to come to Brantford.  Which is fine, she needs to focus on someone now that my Dad has died.  It's not like I don't have stuff to do on the weekends though.  Three essays, 2 midterms, and a puppy - I AM BUSY.  I indulge her though, she needs it.

For the first time since the whole episode I felt genuinely bad for my ex the other day.  We had "the meeting" where issues get brought forward.  It turns out that my equalization payment is substansial. Enough that I know he isn't sure where he'll get the $.  Enough for a fresh start for me.  I feel bad that he has to come up with this, has no idea how, and is realizing now EXACTLY what no agreeing to fight for our marriage means.  It means I get the life I've been praying for.   He gets to figure out how to find this money and care for his dad. 

For now though I'll close...this is getting morose. 

www.blogger.com/post-create.g

I've been reading posts and commenting, but it's been forever since I've written anything @ all here.  I haven't gone anywhere, just incredibly busy.  Why you may ask ... Well?

- I have this apartment :)

- I have a dog.  I knew it wouldn't be long before I got a dog.  I waited a month and got Dylan, a 7 mth old puggle.  If you know anything bout these guys, they are bundles of trouble but adorable.  He's chewed a cell phone and 3 pair of shoes, but other than that he's my joy.  He may have a touch of separation anxiety, but we're workin on that.  He's great with Brit - totally comfortable with her and tolerant of her needs

- oh yea (she smiled) I'm in love again.  He is everything I've ever wanted.  We can make love, talk, make love some more and talk some more.  Ok the fact that he is a long haul trucker is diffiuclt, but I can handle it @ this point.  We talk everyday, and the reunions are amazing! It's early yet, no plans but for the first time in a long time, I'm happy. The words I love you finally mean something.  He knows how to touch and how to make love, and best of all...Brit's ok with it too

I'm procrastinating and perusing etonline and see this headline "Debra Messing and some other person" are gadget girls" Hey...they took my name! It was mine first, now everyone's gonna say "that's a cool name" and there's a 1000 gadget girls online - give me back my username! I'm gdgtgrl, I always will be gdgtgrl & they can't have it -

So...here I am.  Finally home in the co op apartment I wanted from the moment I made the decision to leave him.  Although I've spent brief periods of time shuttling between here and the old house since last week, this is it - the first night that I'm gone.  We've spent so many nights apart in the last 10 years due to shift work and family committments, that it still seems surreal.  Everything for the last 9 months has been leading to this moment.  Now that it's here, and I'm alone.  I'm not sure how I feel.  Relieved for sure.  I don't have to deal with the crap I've been dealing with for too long.  Excited definately.  Lonely? Not yet anyway. Horny - after 10 years of a sex free marriage - oh yea! Primarly I'm just glad that it's over & I can move on virtually debt free and as amicable as possible given the circumstances. 

Once again - the puter has to go back to Hewlett Packard (again) - I'll be on and off as I'm able to.  Hopefully I'll be back on in a couple of weeks & (whoppee) in my own place - hereafter known as girlieville!

I think I'm under it again. The lonliness, fear of never falling in love again, frustration at the slow progress of things.  I came home from the lawyer's office today and did the one thing I didn't want to do - I cried.  I cried out to God for a shoulder, a hug, something to hold on to now that there is no one to.  It's not like there ever was, I stopped giving him the privilage of seeing me vunerable a long time ago.  He got angry because I asked for a lump sum payment to keep me going until B's disability $ comes in.  For the first time in 20 years, we fought - I got angry, I let everything out. My desperate need for space to myself, my anger at having to constantly ask for space in my own home, my thought that I am 4th on a list of priorities (after his job, his father, and his daughter in that order).  He didn't say anything in defense or apology.  He knew.  He said that he gave me everything - everything that would fit in his comfort zone that is. 

I've been reading a  blog of a friend who is in pretty much the same boat as me right now, albeit she's in the US.  I echo everything she says.  I want my friends to talk to me (some have left), I want just get out (my lawyer says to stay until the agreement is finalized), I want arms to hold me, lips to kiss me and someone I don't have to hide my real self from.  I wonder if hope is out there...if I really can go on.  Tonight I just don't want to.  Tonight, it hurts.  Tonight, I just want to disappear.

laptop charged check, in bag with book and schedule so I know where the hell I'm going @ 1:30 also check, bottle of cold non wine like liquid for sensory purposes (it's an ADD thing) also check, parking $ (grr) check - and away I go.

I'd spend a long time as a distance ed student, and knew that when I moved to London, eventually I'd transfer to Western. Today was that day - Socwk 1020, Labatt Hall Room 100. A/C wasn't working - hot! holy crap it was hot.

Best Part of Day: a prof who is around my age and in the Ph.D program so gets where I am

Funniest part of day: looking at all the pretty Western people. So is an outrageous wardrobe budget a prereq for admission to Western, if so how'd I get in?

Cooliest Part of day: taking a walk behind the place before class and seeing a hawk stalking prey in the revine.

Worst part of day: purple freaking circles! ok once you find the class and stuff.

I looked at it...a single gold band.  My wedding ring.  Off only for surgeries.  I took it off, just for a bit - I haven't told him yet.  I feel...resigned...alive...excited...scared...like a failure.  It's time to move on.

Ok, most of you know that when I started here - my marriage stank but I still saw something in moose that would make me want to stay.   Over the past couple of months, that has all but evaporated.  As a dad - he cares for her in the physical sense, hugs her and stuff but spends very little time doing anything she likes - like reading to her. 

As a provider - he's a paramedic do the math.  As a husband, I am more often the brunt of his hostility and inability to control  his anger.  No he hasn't hit or otherwise abused me (ok once on the hand). It's just that he can't touch me gently anymore.  Even when he tries to pleasure me (not possible) it begins with too much force. 

Financially it's getting worse - not bankruptcy worse, but can't seem to stay out of overdraft worse. 

All I really want him to do is talk to our doctor and get some help.  Prozac and a different ED drug would be a start.  Anger management, marriage and financial counselling would be good as well.  Seeing as how he's refused - I'm not going to ask again.  It's time for me to find someone who can love me, be responsible, and fun all at the same time.  Like I said Eros!

Temagami is the place where my year begins, much like New Years eve - without the huge party. my annual retreat is where I prepare for year ahead. Most importantly, I reflect on the year past. This year has brought the most profound changes in me , in the inner me and the outer. Outwardly I sport a short haircut and tattoo - a symbol of my newfound boldness and a job necessity. I have a great job and a promising future. I have this confidence I've never had before, the ability to say screw you, and do what is right for me - like have weight loss surgery. I'm finally taking just little. I'm saying NO to those who try to walk all over me. I'm not accepting the status quo anymore.

I'm petrified though. The more I find my self, the less I am satisfied with my marriage. He is doing all he's prepared to do, all he's comfortable with. But it's not nearly enough for me becausse he doesn't care about me - doesn't see the changes and wouldn't care if he did. So what does this mean? It seems like my path is set before me. That is what petrifies me - what if I leave him and never find the elusive eros?

5/8/08

WELCOME HOME GDGTGRL

Whenever I log on to EP, it always says "welcome home gdgtgrl". - ep is this comfortable place that is a lot like home, where friends are always there and there is always a hug waiting - albeit virtual.

Can I place welcome you home? I don't know - but that same feeling washed over me as I rode across in our boat a few days ago. That same feeling, comfort, peace, refuge are all here. My favorite rock on the end of the island was ready for my mediations, the deck just wanting someone to sit and enjoy a cup of tea, or wine. The lake itself rippling, just waiting for my inurgaral skinny dip. The loons called their welcome, the gulls flew overhead, and all was as it should be - I was home & everything around me shouted "welcome home gdgtgrl"

9/8/08- A TEMAGAMI STATE OF MIND.

Temagami is much more than a place. Temagami is a geographical location, but more importantly, it's a state of mind. It's that place in your mind where there is peace, total peace. That one moment in time that everything is right with the world. When the most important decision is what to have for dinner and the only call is the loon calling from the lake. Where the most activity is an afternoon swim and a nap because ... You can. Temagami is ... Peace.

14/8/08 BRINGING HOME TEMAGAMI-LIFE CAN'T BE FORCED

One of the books I've read up here this year is 3 cups of tea. It is an amazing book, but what inspired me the most is not Greg Mortensen's story but one thing he said when he was with one of the villlage elders. Take time to have 3 cups of tea with someone. Build a relationship with the person you are working with, learn about them, become friends.

Family even. When you are part of someone's family, you have a very different and personal relationship with them than if you were simply doing business with them. As he said, after 3 cups of tea, when someone is family they would do anything for you.

Another important point,don't force your way on others. After building one school, his benefactor encouraged Mortensen to build more. This meant developing contacts. Mortensen started by going to areas that interested him, and promptly got himself kidnapped. After a talk with his mentor, who said that he should allow local poeple to find areas with land to give away for schools, Mortensen realized that he was going about it all wrong. He attempted to do something good for others, but rushed in without really knowing his people. The more I think of it, the more I realize that we are the same way when we do this with our "ministries" and attempts to help others as well. As a support worker, I often get the opportunity to find interesting things for the people I support to do, the same with my daughter. I charge in and sometimes impose my ideas without really looking at what the person I am supporting wants, Sometimes all we need to do is ask - what is it you want to do. Where do you want to go. Although we may not immediately understand how everyone communicates, everyone does in some way. If we spend time with someone, have tea, get to know them, and discover what they want, we can go forward with what they truly want - and in the end, I suspect that as with Greg Mortensen, our efforts will run more smoothly & instead of one, three schools will be built.

WHAT I'M TAKING HOME

- reading in bed c b

- if I can do one thing every morning, i would meditate

- unexpl excite,on last day-fear of bad

- a temagami state of mind, it doesn't force things, it lets things happen, makes plans, but changes them as necessary without worry or anger

- undisputed evidence that things in my marriage are in the worst state ever and I have the courage to stand up to him for the first time, to not worry about what happens

- my relationship with my creator is changing, becoming more intellectual and more confident as well. I'm not willling to follow the status quo

- I am in the best state ever personally though, more confident, happy, ready to walk into the future

- I'm scared though about today, I woke up with this unprecidented sense of excitement, the last time this happened, Brit had a stroke. Not this time God please. This time let me go forward, let me FLY

My user name stands for gadgetgirl.  I loves me gadgets.  It all began with a palm pilot, morphed into my cell, and then a seque into my mp3 and the holy grail - my laptop.  I like technology alot - but not in an all consuming way. 

So, in 6 sleeps ggrl and the fam and rusty are off to the lake.  A cottage in Temagami ON, with NO electricity.  Although the propane stove, lights and the fridge is also powered by propane lines which run propane from our shed to the cottage, that is it.

So how do I - a person who needs her laptop, palm etc cope? The laptop is a hinderance up there so it stays home  The cell phones don't work in the mountain ranges so their basically off for 2 weeks.  The digital camera and palm (the only things used up there to any great extent) are charged every couple of days by solar power and are only used for journalling so don't get used a lot.

all in all I like the break from my technology though.  It's good not rely on things that need batteries for a while